General Lee’s Secret Plan to Use Drones at Gettysburg Revealed

April 1, 2015

Famed historian Seymour Butts made a startling discovery in the basement of the Library of Virginia in Richmond: a secret battle plan documenting the second planned usage of unmanned aerial vehicles in American, nay, world history. Yes, the second. This document, a fading post-battle report penned by a certain Colonel Angus, also references the first use of drones on Earth by Xenu, the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy during Incident II, otherwise known as the Wall of Fire. If you care so much to see what we redacted, you really should support our crowdfunding campaign at http://igg.me/at/warontherocks.

Keep War on the Rocks unredacted.

After President Lincoln’s secret deployment of alien designed halitosis guns against the Confederate Army it was no one less than General Robert E. Lee who penned this audacious plan to rain Predator delivered Hellfire missiles down on the heads of unsuspecting Union troops at Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. But his machinations – which would have turned the tide of this historic battle – were thwarted by your failure to donate to our crowdfunding campaign at http://igg.me/at/warontherocks, you big jerk, as this post-battle report reveals for the first time.

These discoveries will, of course, change the way we understand American history and military technology. Here are the details of how it played out.

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I take a look at my life and realize there’s nothin’ left. Cause I’ve been blasting and laughing so long, that even my mama thinks that my mind is gone, but I ain’t never crossed a man that didn’t deserve it. Me be treated like a punk you know that’s unheard of. You better watch how you’re talking and where you’re walking, or you and your homies might be lined in chalk. I really hate to trip but I gotta loc. As they croak, I see myself in the pistol smoke fool. I’m the kinda G the little homies wanna be like, on my knees in the night saying prayers in the streetlight. You really should be supporting our crowdfunding campaign, foo’.

Then, when we had got down to the sea shore we drew our ship into the water and got her mast and sails into her; we also put the sheep on board and took our places, weeping and in great distress of mind. Circe, that great and cunning goddess, sent us a fair wind that blew dead aft and stayed steadily with us keeping our sails all the time well filled; so we did whatever wanted doing to the ship’s gear and let her go as the wind and helmsman headed her. All day long her sails were full as she held her course over the sea, but when the sun went down and darkness was over all the earth, we got into the deep waters of the river Oceanus, where lie the land and city of the Cimmerians who live enshrouded in mist and darkness which the rays of the sun never pierce neither at his rising nor as he goes down again out of the heavens, but the poor wretches live in one long melancholy night. When we got there we beached the ship, took the sheep out of her, and went along by the waters of Oceanus till we came to the place of which Circe had told us.

Here Perimedes and Eurylochus held the victims, while I drew my sword and dug the trench a cubit each way. I made a drink-offering to all the dead, first with honey and milk, then with wine, and thirdly with water, and I sprinkled white barley meal over the whole, praying earnestly to the poor feckless ghosts, and promising them that when I got back to Ithaca I would sacrifice a barren heifer for them, the best I had, and would load the pyre with good things. I also particularly promised that Teiresias should have a black sheep to himself, the best in all my flocks. When I had prayed sufficiently to the dead, I cut the throats of the two sheep and let the blood run into the trench as the drones crashed into the earthen works, spending dirt everywhere whereon the ghosts came trooping up from Erebus- brides, young bachelors, old men worn out with toil, maids who had been crossed in love, and brave men who had been killed in battle, with their armour still smirched with blood; they came from every quarter and flitted round the trench with a strange kind of screaming sound that made me turn pale with fear. When I saw them coming I told the men to be quick and flay the carcasses of the two dead sheep and make burnt offerings of them, and at the same time to repeat prayers to Hades and to Proserpine; but I sat where I was with my sword drawn and would not let the poor feckless ghosts come near the blood till Teiresias should have answered my questions.

Chip in here! Don’t delay!

The first ghost ‘that came was that of my comrade Elpenor, for he had not yet been laid beneath the earth. We had left his body unwaked and unburied in Circe’s house, for we had had too much else to do. I was very sorry for him, and cried when I saw him: ‘Elpenor,’ said I, ‘how did you come down here into this gloom and darkness? You have here on foot quicker than I have with my ship.’

‘Sir,’ he answered with a groan, ‘it was all bad luck, and my own unspeakable drunkenness. I was lying asleep on the top of Circe’s house, and never thought of coming down again by the great staircase but fell right off the roof and broke my neck, so my soul down to the house of Hades. And now I beseech you by all those whom you have left behind you, though they are not here, by your wife, by the father who brought you up when you were a child, and by Telemachus who is the one hope of your house, do what I shall now ask you. I know that when you leave this limbo you will again hold your ship for the Aeaean island. Do not go thence leaving me unwaked and unburied behind you, or I may bring heaven’s anger upon you; but burn me with whatever armour I have, build a barrow for me on the sea shore, that may tell people in days to come what a poor unlucky fellow I was, and plant over my grave the oar I used to row with when I was yet alive and with my messmates.’ And I said, ‘My poor fellow, I will do all that you have asked of me.’

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So I drew back, and sheathed my sword, whereon when he had drank of the blood he began with his prophecy.